At an altitude of 37,000 feet, I watched with concern as the burly woman emerged from the lavatory, she was distressed and in great pain. Inching forward slowly, gripping the hand rail, her patient husband waited to support and escort her to her seat. Noticing the state she was in, I asked if there was anything I could do to assist her….’Oh my dear’, she retorted ‘I just want to get on the ground, I am absolutely terrified of flying’. As we chatted further, I took note of the language she used, what she focused on and the physical signs of the debilitating state she was in. ‘I wish I could get over it – Now that the kids are grown, I really want to travel with my husband and see all the places we had planned to see’.
About a month before this, I attended a launch party for a successful Australian business magazine. The magazines’ young founder was asked how fear obstructed his progress in getting the magazine up and running. With ease and certainty he answered ‘The more I stumbled, the more determined I was to do it better and differently next time. I used fear to drive me towards my goal, my dream.’
Same emotion, utilized in opposing ways; one debilitating, one empowering. Has fear played a part in your life? Has it prevented you from reaching your true potential?
Fear, as defined in dictionaries is an emotion impending feeling of calamity, dread or terror, be anxious, hesitate. As with all emotions, fear is there to serve a purpose, a positive intent. It protects us by alerting us to danger in our environment –creating the flight or fight response, it teaches us how to avoid harm. Although at times it may feel uncomfortable, there is a vast wisdom to gain by understanding and using it in its positive intent. Instead of letting it run us it can drive us to be wiser, stronger, magnanimous, a catalyst for change and growth. As was the case with the burly woman passenger, does fear run your life in a disempowering way? Do you sabotage yourself by working towards something yet pulling out at the last moment? Do you procrastinate? How about your relationships – do you fear rejection, or intimacy? Are you a perfectionist – you just can’t allow yourself to get it wrong. Do you fear being a failure, self talk of not being good enough, not belonging or unworthy of love? How about fear of pain, illness, loneliness, change, success, the unknown, death, living, responsibility, commitment.
There are a myriad of perceived fears we encounter which if overused succeed in serving to engulf and debilitate our advancement by confining us to a place where were are not living a life true to our potential. Fear misdirects our energy and keeps us safe from living healthy, vibrant and significant lives.
If fear has been a major driving force in your existence, how satisfying is the quality of your life right now? Do you feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, unhappy because there is so much you want to achieve if only you could…Could you imagine even for just a moment, living out of your comfort zone? What would you be doing if fear didn’t exist? What would your life look like, what would you be creating, imagine the possibilities, does this excite you, is it rewarding, is this something to think about?
Are you achieving goals and successes in alignment with your ideal life? Are you living true to yourself and what you stand for? Are you experiencing growth & connection, deep fulfillment knowing that the efforts you have put into every day have really counted.
Realize now what level you are playing at and if it is not the level you are satisfied with, ponder this – how is playing it safe working for you? From an early age, our perceptions and behaviors are conditioned by various external influences our family, educators, society, culture. There may have even been an instance which had such an impact on you that it is etched permanently in your neurology. Instances where you made a decision about yourself and your capabilities right then and there and have since chosen to experience and define your world with all the stories of why you can’t. Is the payoff of not acting simply that it’s easier not to?
Admit your rationale, the excuses, the stories you tell yourself of why you can’t. If the number one fear is rejection, and the number one need is acceptance, how is not acting serving you, how is your inertia keeping you safe? Is it the safe haven that comes from avoiding risk, avoiding rejection, that change and responsibility mean that this is it – I am exposed, I am accountable and this threatens me because, well, what if I am just not good enough?
Anything you tell yourself about not taking action or not being happy that’s fear taking the lead role. You get to take a free ride because you don’t have to put in effort, you don’t have to be accountable. You instead, are managing to drag around a heavy burden constantly weighing you down. The more time you spend investing in the stories of why you cant, the less time you have contributing to the meaningful and fulfilled life you envisioned, fantasized, craved, envied. You cannot control what you don’t acknowledge. Be truthful of what isn’t working, cut out all the excuses and begin to create results. Act with clarity, passion, focus – choose to give yourself the chance to have the quality life you really want.
How would your life be different? What would you accomplish? What would you have if you chose to exercise courage because courage is also there as well as strength, determination, resourcefulness, staunchness, trust, appreciation. When was the last time you really accessed these resources? Was that time fun, exciting, did it get your heart racing? When was the last time you really expressed kindness to yourself, appreciated and trusted yourself? Could your perceived fear exist in a place of self liking and self acceptance, a place of love? When you stop to examine the relationship with yourself, often your greatest fears will surface.
What do you think may be the difference between you and Bill Gates or Donald Trump? Do you think they too had their own fears to deal with? How about people who had a single idea – the wheel, electricity, the zipper. Do you think the world would be as it is and continues to progress if there was inaction because of fear? The difference is they felt the fear, used it to their advantage and acted anyway, by trusting themselves, learning from obstacles and growing with new found knowledge about their strengths and qualities. Do you think they may even have had some belief in themselves?
Life rewards action, if you do nothing well, that’s what you will get. What if there was no such thing as failure only feedback, just a gauge a measure for you to do it differently next time. What if the only thing that came out of failure was to learn more about yourself? How about studying your behaviors, focus and attributes that work. Understand how they work for you and repeat them, apply them to every area of your life. If you don’t achieve the results you want there is no point beating yourself up, accept it as feedback, be willing to learn from it, allow for growth & do it differently next time.
Forging a fulfilled and happy life is not about banishing or eradicating your fears, it’s realizing that there are numerous resourceful emotions to tap into within yourself. Imagine using courage with the same intensity that you used for fear. You can expend tremendous energy to conquer fear or you can have it there and do it anyway with a new sense of gratitude for the lessons you learn about your true self along the way.
Fear is a natural phenomenon however it should not be overused to an extent that disables, hinders, disempowers and overwhelms our abilities, beliefs, actions, results and capabilities. By learning to handle our fears we can create our own outstanding results and bridge that gap from fear and inertia to excitedness and results. If this has been your experience, ponder this, is it truly fear itself that is fearful or is the issue really about trusting yourself.
Allow no room in your life for denial fantasy or fiction, accept feedback, and deal with obstacles. Do it differently, different actions produce different results – not to be reckless but to move out of your comfort zone and do more in order to be more.
So what is your truth? Have you asked yourself the hard questions? How is fear playing a part in your life how is it driving you? Playing it safe allows for indecisiveness, doubt, complacency, settling, because if you know the outcome, where’s the growth, serendipity, heart pumping moment, adventure. How will you know what you’re capable of? When the challenge presents itself it’s your turn to say yes I am ready, I will find the way, I will appreciate the possibilities, the lessons the experience.
Learn to manage your fears
Once we are equipped to appreciate and understand fear, we are better equipped to handle it by using it to work for us. The key to understanding fear is the link of how it is intimately bound up with our thoughts.
Identify with your core self
If you don’t know who you are, how can you decide what to do, formulate values, adopt beliefs or establish rules?
Acknowledge the relationship you have with yourself. Are you truthful to yourself and to those important in your life? Do you live with integrity and congruently with what you stand for? Are you afraid of appearing vulnerable in front of others for fear of appearing weak? When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we get to be who we truly are. It is our link to our power for it gives us the opportunity to learn more about our beliefs, our wants and allows us to grow from our mistakes.
Give yourself a gift of forgiveness, kindness, love, appreciation, trust, acknowledgement for the obstacles you overcome and the lessons you learn as tiny as they may be, stop long enough to celebrate their meaning.
Acknowledge who you are now, and who will you become in order to fulfill your goals.
Choose your Focus
Choosing where you focus determines your results. Focus on where you are going not on what you fear and notice the difference. Which one opens up possibilities, hope, growth?
Take back control of your life, be responsible, & have a vision forward. Focus on what you really want, the direction of your dreams, the resources within you, your strengths appreciation, gratitude, courage, confidence, contribution, kindness. Stop once and for all feeding the fear and begin feeding your incredible qualities, accept the desire to learn and notice the difference.
The Language of transformation
Our resources are only limited by the questions we ask ourselves. Ask a better question and you will get a better answer. The quickest way to change your focus is simply by asking a new question. Consider: Who do I need to be and what do I need to do to create the life I want? What attributes and qualities do I need to have, what kind of person do I need to be to make this a reality in my life? What is the gift in this? What is not perfect yet? If there was a solution what would it be? How can I turn this around? How do I benefit from this obstacle? What more have I just learned about myself and those around me? What am I capable of now even more so than before?
Downsizing problems
Whatever the perceived fear may be it is never as bad as what you imagined and allowed to build up in your mind. What’s the worst case scenario, what’s the worst that could happen? What if it meant I learnt more about myself? Choose to give yourself the chance, to be inventive, resourceful, rely on yourself, trust that no matter what happens I will find the way, I have what it takes to get through it.
No failure can exist in a world of feedback
Most of us see failure as an error which reflects badly on us and we take it in board emotionally. If you do not get the outcome you want, it’s simply feedback, a gauge to make finer distinctions about what you need to do to produce the results you really want.
Take Responsibility for your results
Acknowledge and accept the payoffs of the behavior you are investing in. Set a higher standard for yourself and take absolute, 100% responsibility for the results you get in your life. How you chose to perceive and give meaning to any situation is entirely up to you. Regardless of who is responsible, as an adult you have the choice on how you wish to experience it. Not being responsible is giving away control of your life to somebody or something else. Is it time to forgive, to dig deep and say, you know what, the only thing I can control and influence is myself, so the buck stops with me.
Take Action to have results
Do you have a plan for your ideal vision or are you wishing and waiting that it will all just work out, drifting and directed by random chances or waiting for lady luck. People who have happiness, still have fear; the difference that makes the difference is that they choose to act anyway, they choose how to experience every moment in their life Set specific clear goals, a time frame and a plan for achieving them. What do you need to do, who do you need to be to have your own outstanding results?
Copyright 2006 Antoinette Sifis – Dynamic Life Coaching.
