FEAR – Is it a Lion or a pussy cat?
At an altitude of 37,000 feet, I watched with concern as the burly woman emerged from the lavatory, she was distressed and appeared in great pain. Inching forward by gripping the hand rail, her patient husband waited to support and escort her to her seat. Noticing the state she was in, I asked if there was anything I could do to assist her….’Oh God’, she begged ‘I just want to get on the ground’ As I continued talking to her, I realised how petrified she was of flying and the state of panic she had worked herself into. ‘I wish I could get over it – Now that the kids are grown, I really want to travel with my husband and see all the places we had planned to see’.
A month or so prior, I attended a launch party for a successful Australian business magazine. The magazines’ young founder was asked if fear obstructed his progress in getting the magazine up and running. With ease and certainty he answered ‘The more I stumbled, the more determined I was to do it better and differently next time. I used fear of getting it wrong to drive me towards my goal, my dream.’
Hmmm, the same emotion, used in two completely different ways; one debilitating, one empowering. Couldnt help but get even more curious. Do we have a choice of how we each experience fear? How do we decide what we are fearful of? What kind of thoughts go on in our heads? What previous experiences have led to those thoughts? What are the physical changes that begin happening to our bodies? Interesting. Recognise any of your own fears? How have they played out in your life?
Fear, as defined in dictionaries is an emotion impending feeling of calamity, dread or terror, be anxious, hesitate. As with all emotions, fear is there to serve a purpose, a positive intent. It protects us by alerting us to danger –creating the flight or fight response, it protects us from harm. Although at times it may feel uncomfortable, there is vast wisdom to gain by understanding more about how it dirrectly influences each one of us on a personal level. Instead of letting it run us in a disempowering way, how can we learn to use it as a wiser, stronger catalyst for change? As was the case with the burly woman passenger, does fear run your life in a disempowering way? Do you sabotage yourself by working towards something then pulling out at the last moment? Do you procrastinate? How about your relationships – do you fear rejection, or intimacy? Are you a perfectionist – you just can’t allow yourself to get it wrong. Do you fear failure, is there self talk of not being good enough, not belonging or unworthy? How about fear of pain, illness, loneliness, change, success, the unknown, death, living, responsibility, commitment, fear of a broken heart?
There are a myriad of perceived fears we encounter which when overused serve to engulf and debilitate us, they hold back our own personal advancement and confine us to a place that is perceived as safe. Sometimes this safe place keeps us stuck within our own barriers. Sometimes this place misdirects our energies and keeps us from living a healthy, vibrant, significant life.
If fear has been a major driving force in some, many or all facets of your life, I would like to ask, how satisfying is the quality of your life right now? Do you feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, unhappy because there is so much you want to achieve if only you could? Could you imagine even for just a moment, what it would be like to step out of that comfort zone and just had a go?
What would you be doing if you felt some of that fear but did it anyway? What would your life look like, what would you be creating, seeing, feeling? Imagine the possibilities. Does this excite you? Is this something to think about?
Realise now what level you are playing at and if it is not the level you are satisfied with, think about this – how is playing safe working for you? From an early age, our perceptions and behaviors are conditioned by various external influences – our family, teachers, religion, peers, society, culture. There may have been a specific experience which had such an impact on you that it is etched permanently in your memory. An experience where you made a decision about yourself and your abilities, about others right then and there and have since chosen to experience and define your world with all the stories of why you can’t. Is the payoff of not acting simply that it’s easier not to?
Anything you tell yourself about not taking action or not being happy that’s your escape route. The more time you spend investing in the stories of why you cant, the less time you have contributing to the meaningful and fulfilled life you dreamed, fantasised, craved, or even envied. You cannot control what you don’t acknowledge, so take the step towards being truthful of what isn’t working, cut out those old excuses and begin to live congruent to your true self. Begin using more courage, trust, passion, honesty – choose to give yourself the chance of having the quality life you really want.
I wonder, how would your life be different? What would you accomplish? What would you have if you chose to use more determination, resourcefulness, confidence, appreciation? When was the last time you really accessed these resources? Was that time fun, exciting, did it get your heart racing? When was the last time you really expressed kindness to yourself, appreciated and trusted yourself? Could your perceived fear exist in a place of self liking and self acceptance? When you stop to examine the relationship with yourself, I wonder if that is when you will face your greatest fears.
Life mirrors your efforts, if you do nothing, that’s what you’ll get. What if there was no such thing as failure only feedback, just a measure for you to do it differently next time. What if the only thing that came out of failure was to learn more about yourself? How about studying your behaviours and attributes that work. Understand how they work for you and repeat them, apply them to every area of your life. Imagine using courage with the same intensity that you used for fear. You can expend tremendous energy to conquer fear or you can have it there and do it anyway with a new sense of gratitude for the lessons you learn about your true self along the way.
So what is your truth? Have you asked yourself the hard questions? How is fear playing a part in your life? How is it driving you? Playing it safe allows for indecisiveness, doubt, complacency, settling, because if you know the outcome, where’s the growth, serendipity, heart pumping moments, the great adventure? How will you know what you’re capable of? When the challenge presents itself it’s your turn to say yes I am ready, I will find the way, I will appreciate the possibilities, the learning and myself.
Learn how to better manage your fears
When we better appreciate and understand fear, we are better equipped to handle it by making it work for us. The key to understanding fear is the link of how it is intimately bound up with our thoughts.
Get to know your core self
Whats your relationship with yourself? Do you like youself? Are you a good friend to you? Do you know what you want?
Acknowledge the relationship you have with yourself. Are you truthful to yourself and to those important in your life? Do you live with integrity and congruently with what you stand for? Are you afraid of appearing vulnerable in front of others for fear of appearing weak? When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we get to be who we truly are. It is our link to our power for it gives us the opportunity to learn more about our attitudes, needs and allows us to grow from our mistakes.
Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, kindness, love, appreciation, trust, acknowledgement for the obstacles you overcome and the lessons you learn as tiny as they may be, stop long enough to celebrate their meaning.
Acknowledge who you are now, and who will you become in order to fulfill your goals.
What you Focus on is what you get
Choosing where you focus, determines your results. Focus on where you are going not on what you fear and notice the difference. Which one opens up possibilities, hope, growth?
Take back control of your life, be responsible, and have a vision moving forward. Focus on what you really want, the direction of your dreams, the resources within you, your strengths, appreciation, gratitude, courage, confidence, contribution, kindness. Stop once and for all in feeding the fear and begin feeding your incredible qualities, accept the desire to learn and notice the difference.
The Language of transformation
Our resources are only limited by the questions we ask ourselves. Ask a better question and you’ll get a better answer. The quickest way to change your focus is simply by asking a new question. Consider: Who do I need to be, what do I need to do to create the life I want? What attributes and qualities do I need to have, what kind of person do I need to be to make this a reality in my life? What is the gift in this? What is not perfect yet? If there is a solution what would it be? How can I turn this around? How do I benefit from this obstacle? What more have I just learned about myself and those around me? What am I capable of now even more so than before?
Downsizing problems
Whatever the perceived fear may be it is never as bad as what you imagined and allowed to build up in your mind. What’s the worst case scenario, what’s the worst that could happen? What if it meant I learnt more about myself? Choose to give yourself the chance, to be inventive, resourceful, rely on yourself, trust that no matter what happens I will find the way, I have what it takes to get through it.
No failure can exist in a world of feedback
Most of us see failure as an error which reflects badly on us and we take it on board emotionally. If you do not get the outcome you want, it’s simply feedback, a gauge to make finer distinctions about what you need to do to produce the results you really want.
Take Responsibility for your results
Acknowledge and accept the payoffs of the behavior you are investing in. Set a higher standard for yourself and take absolute, 100% responsibility for the results you get in your life. How you chose to perceive and give meaning to any situation is entirely up to you. Regardless of who is responsible, as an adult you have the choice on how you wish to experience it. Not being responsible is giving away control of your life to somebody or something else. Is it time to forgive, to dig deep and say, you know what, the only thing I can control and influence is myself, the buck stops with me.
Youve got to take Action
Do you have a plan for your ideal vision or are you wishing and waiting that it will all just work out, drifting and directed by random chances or waiting for lady luck? People who have achieved personal success, still have fear; the difference that makes the difference is that they choose to act anyway, they choose how to experience every moment in their life in a way that empowers them. Set specific clear, goals, a time frame and a plan for achieving them. What do you need to do? When do you need to do it by? Who do you need to be to have your own outstanding results?
