What is love anyway?

 

So there I was, enjoying a soy latte at my favourite cafe, trying hard to manouevre my already sunburned face out of the hot aussie sun. From the table next to me, I overhead a cute young girl ask her mum as she pointed to the billboard opposite: ‘Hes just not that into you’ – Must see, newly released blockbuster movie.

 ‘Mum’, she asked, ‘What does that mean?’

‘Oh honey, its about love’

‘Looove – what is love?’ she quizzed her mum with that childlike real curiosity.

 Hmmmm, I mumbled to myself as I started to ponder my own answer. Funnily enough, the Howard Jones lyrics began to instantly play in my head – ‘what is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway …..’

Kids have a knack for asking darn great questions dont they?. As I started to think about it more and more I wondered about my own experiences of love, that of my close friends, my parents, remembered what it meant growing up and what it means now as a woman in her 40’s.

 Growing up I remember love being painted magically in endless fairytales, poems, songs, romance novels and movies. It was a mystical feeling that promised to engulf you in a dizzying frenzy of emotion, it was delectable pink fairy floss and dark chocolate truffles, a heavenly paradise where you were always the hero and could do no wrong. Hmm I thought, could such a concoction be real? Over the years and through my own experiences of love, the sugar coated bubble seemed to elude me – WHAT? How could those fairytales have gotten it so wrong?

 I saw through the eyes of a young woman that it came wrapped up as many different gifts : it was a fascination, an addiction, a natural healthy emotion, a source of incredible dizzying joy, a place of fear and pain, all encompassing, nurturing, elusive, multifaceted, disguised, – was it really that complex, almost chameleon like? How would I possibly ever know which one was the real love?

 So, what is love anyway? Who could I have asked back then that would really know? Do you know? What is love for you? If it had a color or shape what would that be? If you closed your eyes and felt it, what would it feel like? What words would you use to describe it? If it was a different word, what would that word be?

 From the beginning of life as we know it, people have died for it, fought for it, sacrificed for it, hungered for it , cried for it, moved heaven and earth for it – could it really be so powerful that it has even gone on to shape and create history? WOW…and all this from a 4 letter word that seems to have been overtaken by another 4 letter word.

 I began writing this as a foreward to ‘How to move on from a breakup’ and felt that was boring and too clinical. Love is not ‘clinical’, its a natural, innate, healthy feeling for every human being from the moment they are born and evolves through our life experiences, role models, society, religion, factors that influenced us when were were developing our our own beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world. For some it has been twisted and tortured into a macabre force so much so that many will pull out all stops to totally avoid it. As a coach I hear this in many disguises – commitment phobic, sabotage, jealous, mixed messages, controlling, procrastinator, shy, or hes’ just not that into you rules’. Often this has resulted from some not so ‘good’ experiences of love.

 So how do you take a not so ‘good’ experience of love and be better equipped to handle the next experience of love that comes your way?

 GROW FORWARD : How? Openess, honesty, awareness acceptance. Self awareness is the key first step. The relationships we have with others is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. If you find you keep getting the same challenges and frustrations appearing in your relationships – stop, really think about it and ask yourself the tough questions. What is the learning here? What am I projecting? What is the limitation within me that is creating a limitation in my relationships? What do I need to finally learn, let go of or stop tolerating so that this lesson will cease presenting itself.

TAKE TIME OUT: Some people make a habit of leap frogging from relationship to relationship. Wait. Its OK to be in a relationship, its OK to not be in a relationship. Be with friends who you love, who love you and think you are worthwhile. Take it one step further, learn how to love the core of who you are and learn in how many wonderful ways you are worthwhile. Use your time alone as a breather. Let go, exhale. Learn the lessons you are meant to be learning, grow, develop, work on yourself, so when love comes along it enhances your full and interesting life. Love shouldnt be the concern of our whole life or an escape from an unpleasant one.

STRIVE TOWARDS GOALS: Have fun and trust in the timing of things. Learn about your own needs and wants. Yes, you can love whoever you want whenever you want, but slow down and take the time to learn to love in a healthy way. Pay attention to what’s happening. Love from your strengths not your weaknesses. Make good decisions every day on what you need to do to nurture and love yourself first. When the real you begins to surface, you will attract people you enjoy loving, people who enjoy loving and who challenge us to grow.

ITS OK TO SCUFF YOUR KNEES: From time to time you may lose your balance, you may take a couple of steps back. Be courageous. This is OK. Those old patterns of behaviour, which were old habits, may surface on occasion, certain circumstances and stress may provoke them. See it through, pick yourself up, step forward, talk to trusted friends, be patient and gentle with yourself. Always take care of you, no matter what happens – nurture, value, be grateful of and appreciate YOU. You can learn to love in a healthy way and you can even learn to have fun at the same time.

 I wish you joy and fulfillment in love and life.

 Sincerely

Your Dynamic Life Coach

 Antoinette

Why work with a Life Coach?

We are living in an era of numerous and vast changes. An increasingly rapid pace, busy, busy, busy, aspiring to be personally and professionally more effective, just like the circus juggler – balancing all our of responsibilities, our relationships, raising kids, managing our career, socialising, exercising, studying, doing all the household tasks and even just fitting in some down time. We, and our goals (being the things we want) are constantly evolving, in fact the one constant in life is change ..if you thing of it in terms of growth, its what gives us a sense of movement, a sense of achievement. For some, those goals get put on the backburner year after year, living out in our dreams, whilst we wait for more time, more money, more skills, more something….whilst others have an idea of what they want to achieve, yet drift along, day after day, hoping and wishing that one day the dream will become a reality. With all this juggling , living at this pace in each of our worlds, sometimes it feels like we are only just keeping our head above water, losing sight of our dreams or worse still, living goals and purposes that are not our own, ones that dont excite, energise or motivate us….you know the ones I mean- those that give us the flutter of a gaggle of geese in our gut.

Picture a duck for a moment, gliding across the rippled waters of a lake, seemingly with little effort as it glides along quite happily. Now think about what the duck is doing beyond what our eyes convey. Its using a strategy to move from A to B – energy to kick along, stopping to take a breather, assessing for preditors, navigating the path forward, kicking away again – a stark contrast to its seemingly effortless external effort don’t you think? Has anyone you know ever experienced life as the duck? Doing pretty good I would assume, perhaps with the grand plan of evolving into a swan, gliding effortlessly ahead – congruent above and below the surface.

Having strategies for your goals and the awareness to create increased effectiveness, creativity & productivity, can be achieved a lot quicker with a partner . A partner who has the insights and commitment to your personal development and one who will provide focused support as you make changes. A qualified life coach is a partner who is dedicated to your development , one that enhances your transition into what you want from your life so you that you will develop with momentum from the duck to the swan.

People who achieve personal fulfilment have done so by learning how to tap into more resourceful ways of thinking. They have learned what it means to take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions, actions and results they are getting. They learn how to be more effective in managing day to day challenges life throws their way, recognise and work beyond things that may be holding them back – such as guilt, anger, low self confidence, personal fears of not being good enough, rich enough, smart enough, slim enough, attractive enough …

By taking total responsibility for your reactions, thoughts and actions, do you think it would give you more choices and possibilities for turning things around, for resolving past hurt, and looking at new possibilities? What would it be like to extract a positive learning from what seems a negative result – where there is no failure, only feedback, an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your capabilities and opportunities, what you need to do differently to create a different result next time and being thankful for the gift that is being presented to you. This may often be associated with forgiveness , appreciation or healing.

People who achieve personal success have developed a heightened sense of self. When they let go of their excuses they let go of that heavy load of baggage they have been trucking around for all those years. They now experience a renewed sense of self, freedom, a weight lifted, excited about their future, at peace, more loving, appreciative, focused, a new sense of determination. What would it mean to you to be able to feel all of this and more?

So lets ponder this for a moment…..how about if you started right now, to ask more empowering questions so that you could turn any situation around, you learned from results that didnt go as you wished, used courage to understand and overcome your personal barriers, created new attitudes that really served and supported you , focused your energy to what you really want to create, embraced what seemed unfamiliar and had some fun in the process, lived every day congruently with who you are and true to your purpose. Do you think it would improve the quality of life, even by a little? What would be the greatest, most rewarding changes for you? What would you be doing differently? How else would that impact on your life? How would that make you feel?

It’s great to know that anything has the potential to be turned around. Are your dreams worth putting on hold any longer? Is it time to begin investing in your most valuable asset? Discover how coaching can make the difference you have been waiting for and create your own extraordinary life.

To register for your complimentary coaching session, you can email me on :

info@dynamiclifecoaching.com.au

‘Winners take time to relish their work, knowing that scaling the mountain is what makes the view from the top so exhilarating’. Denis Waitley

 

Understanding and Managing your Fears

FEAR – Is it a Lion or a pussy cat?

At an altitude of 37,000 feet, I watched with concern as the burly woman emerged from the lavatory, she was distressed and appeared in great pain. Inching forward by gripping the hand rail, her patient husband waited to support and escort her to her seat. Noticing the state she was in, I asked if there was anything I could do to assist her….’Oh God’, she begged ‘I just want to get on the ground’ As I continued talking to her, I realised how petrified she was of flying and the state of panic she had worked herself into. ‘I wish I could get over it – Now that the kids are grown, I really want to travel with my husband and see all the places we had planned to see’.

A month or so prior, I attended a launch party for a successful Australian business magazine. The magazines’ young founder was asked if fear obstructed his progress in getting the magazine up and running. With ease and certainty he answered ‘The more I stumbled, the more determined I was to do it better and differently next time. I used fear of getting it wrong to drive me towards my goal, my dream.’

 Hmmm, the same emotion, used in two completely different ways; one debilitating, one empowering. Couldnt help but get even more curious. Do we have a choice of how we each experience fear? How do we decide what we are fearful of? What kind of thoughts go on in our heads? What previous experiences have led to those thoughts? What are the physical changes that begin happening to our bodies? Interesting. Recognise any of your own fears? How have they played out in your life?

 Fear, as defined in dictionaries is an emotion impending feeling of calamity, dread or terror, be anxious, hesitate. As with all emotions, fear is there to serve a purpose, a positive intent. It protects us by alerting us to danger –creating the flight or fight response, it protects us from harm. Although at times it may feel uncomfortable, there is vast wisdom to gain by understanding more about how it dirrectly influences each one of us on a personal level. Instead of letting it run us in a disempowering way, how can we learn to use it as a wiser, stronger catalyst for change? As was the case with the burly woman passenger, does fear run your life in a disempowering way? Do you sabotage yourself by working towards something then pulling out at the last moment? Do you procrastinate? How about your relationships – do you fear rejection, or intimacy? Are you a perfectionist – you just can’t allow yourself to get it wrong. Do you fear failure, is there self talk of not being good enough, not belonging or unworthy? How about fear of pain, illness, loneliness, change, success, the unknown, death, living, responsibility, commitment, fear of a broken heart?

 There are a myriad of perceived fears we encounter which when overused serve to engulf and debilitate us, they hold back our own personal advancement and confine us to a place that is perceived as safe. Sometimes this safe place keeps us stuck within our own barriers. Sometimes this place misdirects our energies and keeps us from living a healthy, vibrant, significant life.

 If fear has been a major driving force in some, many or all facets of your life, I would like to ask, how satisfying is the quality of your life right now? Do you feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, unhappy because there is so much you want to achieve if only you could? Could you imagine even for just a moment, what it would be like to step out of that comfort zone and just had a go?

What would you be doing if you felt some of that fear but did it anyway? What would your life look like, what would you be creating, seeing, feeling? Imagine the possibilities. Does this excite you? Is this something to think about?

 Realise now what level you are playing at and if it is not the level you are satisfied with, think about this – how is playing safe working for you? From an early age, our perceptions and behaviors are conditioned by various external influences – our family, teachers, religion, peers, society, culture. There may have been a specific experience which had such an impact on you that it is etched permanently in your memory. An experience where you made a decision about yourself and your abilities, about others right then and there and have since chosen to experience and define your world with all the stories of why you can’t. Is the payoff of not acting simply that it’s easier not to?

 Anything you tell yourself about not taking action or not being happy that’s your escape route. The more time you spend investing in the stories of why you cant, the less time you have contributing to the meaningful and fulfilled life you dreamed, fantasised, craved, or even envied. You cannot control what you don’t acknowledge, so take the step towards being truthful of what isn’t working, cut out those old excuses and begin to live congruent to your true self. Begin using more courage, trust, passion, honesty – choose to give yourself the chance of having the quality life you really want.

 I wonder, how would your life be different? What would you accomplish? What would you have if you chose to use more determination, resourcefulness, confidence, appreciation? When was the last time you really accessed these resources? Was that time fun, exciting, did it get your heart racing? When was the last time you really expressed kindness to yourself, appreciated and trusted yourself? Could your perceived fear exist in a place of self liking and self acceptance? When you stop to examine the relationship with yourself, I wonder if that is when you will face your greatest fears.

 Life mirrors your efforts, if you do nothing, that’s what you’ll get. What if there was no such thing as failure only feedback, just a measure for you to do it differently next time. What if the only thing that came out of failure was to learn more about yourself? How about studying your behaviours and attributes that work. Understand how they work for you and repeat them, apply them to every area of your life. Imagine using courage with the same intensity that you used for fear. You can expend tremendous energy to conquer fear or you can have it there and do it anyway with a new sense of gratitude for the lessons you learn about your true self along the way.

 So what is your truth? Have you asked yourself the hard questions? How is fear playing a part in your life? How is it driving you? Playing it safe allows for indecisiveness, doubt, complacency, settling, because if you know the outcome, where’s the growth, serendipity, heart pumping moments, the great adventure? How will you know what you’re capable of? When the challenge presents itself it’s your turn to say yes I am ready, I will find the way, I will appreciate the possibilities, the learning and myself.

 Learn how to better manage your fears

 When we better appreciate and understand fear, we are better equipped to handle it by making it work for us. The key to understanding fear is the link of how it is intimately bound up with our thoughts.

 Get to know your core self

Whats your relationship with yourself? Do you like youself? Are you a good friend to you? Do you know what you want?

Acknowledge the relationship you have with yourself. Are you truthful to yourself and to those important in your life? Do you live with integrity and congruently with what you stand for? Are you afraid of appearing vulnerable in front of others for fear of appearing weak? When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable we get to be who we truly are. It is our link to our power for it gives us the opportunity to learn more about our attitudes, needs and allows us to grow from our mistakes.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, kindness, love, appreciation, trust, acknowledgement for the obstacles you overcome and the lessons you learn as tiny as they may be, stop long enough to celebrate their meaning.

Acknowledge who you are now, and who will you become in order to fulfill your goals.

 What you Focus on is what you get

Choosing where you focus, determines your results. Focus on where you are going not on what you fear and notice the difference. Which one opens up possibilities, hope, growth?

Take back control of your life, be responsible, and have a vision moving forward. Focus on what you really want, the direction of your dreams, the resources within you, your strengths, appreciation, gratitude, courage, confidence, contribution, kindness. Stop once and for all in feeding the fear and begin feeding your incredible qualities, accept the desire to learn and notice the difference.

 The Language of transformation

Our resources are only limited by the questions we ask ourselves. Ask a better question and you’ll get a better answer. The quickest way to change your focus is simply by asking a new question. Consider: Who do I need to be, what do I need to do to create the life I want? What attributes and qualities do I need to have, what kind of person do I need to be to make this a reality in my life? What is the gift in this? What is not perfect yet? If there is a solution what would it be? How can I turn this around? How do I benefit from this obstacle? What more have I just learned about myself and those around me? What am I capable of now even more so than before?

 Downsizing problems

Whatever the perceived fear may be it is never as bad as what you imagined and allowed to build up in your mind. What’s the worst case scenario, what’s the worst that could happen? What if it meant I learnt more about myself? Choose to give yourself the chance, to be inventive, resourceful, rely on yourself, trust that no matter what happens I will find the way, I have what it takes to get through it.

 No failure can exist in a world of feedback

Most of us see failure as an error which reflects badly on us and we take it on board emotionally. If you do not get the outcome you want, it’s simply feedback, a gauge to make finer distinctions about what you need to do to produce the results you really want.

 Take Responsibility for your results

Acknowledge and accept the payoffs of the behavior you are investing in. Set a higher standard for yourself and take absolute, 100% responsibility for the results you get in your life. How you chose to perceive and give meaning to any situation is entirely up to you. Regardless of who is responsible, as an adult you have the choice on how you wish to experience it. Not being responsible is giving away control of your life to somebody or something else. Is it time to forgive, to dig deep and say, you know what, the only thing I can control and influence is myself, the buck stops with me.

 Youve got to take Action

Do you have a plan for your ideal vision or are you wishing and waiting that it will all just work out, drifting and directed by random chances or waiting for lady luck? People who have achieved personal success, still have fear; the difference that makes the difference is that they choose to act anyway, they choose how to experience every moment in their life in a way that empowers them. Set specific clear, goals, a time frame and a plan for achieving them. What do you need to do? When do you need to do it by? Who do you need to be to have your own outstanding results?